Pre-Wedding Beauty: Extreme Makeover Edition!
Weddings—the time when love is in the air, and brides are one step away from turning into beauty-obsessed monsters. As the big day approaches, it’s time to undergo a complete transformation! Get ready for a satirical journey through the hilarious world of pre-wedding beauty.
How to Transform Yourself for Your Wedding Day
Brace yourselves, because by the time we’re done, you won’t recognize yourself in the mirror! So, buckle up and get ready for a hilarious ride as we break down the beauty countdown checklist. Don’t worry, we’ll sprinkle in some valuable lessons along the way!
Nails: Long and Completely Unmanageable
First things first, ladies, let’s talk about nails. Now, we know how important it is to have the perfect set of digits, and to have them looking fierce on the big day. Of course, your natural nails won’t do. You’re going to need to get extra long tips put on that are so unwieldy you can barely respond to a text.
If Khloe Kardashian can have 4-inch-long nails while taking care of a newborn, you can totally do this. So what if it means you’ll accidentally poke your eye out while wiping away a happy tear during the ceremony? At least your mani will look major in photos.
Lesson learned: Fashion reigns over function on the wedding day, obvi.
Hair: Straw is for Scarecrows
Listen up, lovebirds! Your hair needs some tender loving care. Make sure your roots are fresh and your locks are neatly trimmed. We don’t want your hair looking like a haystack or a bird’s nest on the big day. And if your hair’s not super long, there are always extensions!
Because why would you wear your hair the length it actually is when you could add a foot of someone else’s hair to your wedding day updo?
Lesson learned: Prioritize hair care and unleash your inner fabulousness.
Eyebrows: The Power of Shapely Brows
No unibrows allowed, my friends! Whether you pluck, thread, wax, or perform some ancient ritual involving unicorn tears, just make sure they’re nicely shaped.
But make sure they aren’t too thin. Maybe you need to have them laminated to get that bushy boy brow look. Or better yet, get them tattooed onto your face forever!
Lesson learned: Good brows are a must for any memorable occasion.
Skin: Embrace Your Inner Glow
Everyone could use a little color boost, even if you’re naturally pale. So, if you’re on the whiter side of the spectrum, start getting some sun or go for a spray tan.
Being pasty white isn’t cute. You don’t want your skin to blend in with your white dress, do you? Make sure you’re a good shade of orange-tan to avoid ghost-bride vibes.
Lesson learned: Embrace your inner glow and tan yourself as if you just stepped off the beaches of San Tropez.
Hair: From Drab to Fab!
Ladies, it’s time for a hair revolution. Say goodbye to your plain, everyday locks and embrace a fabulous new ‘do. Whether it’s cascading curls, intricate braids, a sleek bun, or even a ponytail that reaches the heavens, let your hair become a work of art.
You’ve heard the classic Southern belle phrase, “The higher the hair, the closer to God,” right? Remember, your partner might not even recognize you at the altar, but hey, at least they’ll be in awe of your hair game.
Lesson learned: When it comes to bridal hair, go big or go home.
Makeup: Transforming Faces, One Brush Stroke at a Time
Prepare yourselves, makeup enthusiasts, because it’s time for a complete face transformation. Leave no feature untouched! From flawless foundation to sculpted cheekbones, from mesmerizing eyes to perfectly shaped lips, let your makeup artist work their magic.
But remember, this is not the time for subtlety. Go for bold, dramatic looks that will leave everyone gasping. And hey, if your partner doesn’t recognize you at the altar, just tap them on the shoulder and say, “Surprise, it’s me!”
Lesson learned: Makeup has the power to create a whole new you.
Botox: The Final Touch for a Wrinkle-Free Wedding
Now, here’s a little secret that will take your pre-wedding beauty to the next level: consider getting some pre-wedding Botox! Who needs facial expressions anyway? Smooth out those worry lines, erase any hint of crow’s feet, and freeze your face in a state of eternal bliss.
You’ll walk down the aisle with a flawless, ageless appearance that will leave your guests wondering if you stumbled upon the fountain of youth. Just make sure to practice your smiling eyes, as the rest of your face might not cooperate.
Lesson learned: Botox—because who needs natural facial expressions on the happiest day of their lives?
We Hope These Tips Help You Look Your Best (aka Completely Unrecognizable!)
And there you have it, wedding enthusiasts! The countdown checklist to the most epic day of your life. From nails to hair, eyebrows to skin, we’ve covered it all with a sprinkle of humor and a dash of reality. Ladies, get ready to embark on the most absurd beauty journey of your lives.
Remember, behind the satirical humor lies a grain of truth: weddings are about love, laughter, and accepting each other’s quirks. So, laugh, embrace the chaos, and get ready to say “I do” in a completely transformed, glamorous version of yourself!
This story was inspired by Reddit and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Budget Savvy Bride.
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